My Friend Food ...
My painful and amazing journey from food addict to life addict
"
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do
"
- Epictetus
With my son in November 2006.
So
where did it all start ?
As far back as I can remember, I was fat... very fat.
Being fat was just a way of life for me, something I honesty never expected would change. From my first memory on I was abused physically and mentally by my father -I still suffer from the effects of the mental abuse. I believe that whether or not I was predestined to become an overeater the effects of the abuse enabled me becoming a secret eater.
My first stash of sweets was found in my dolls pram before I was 4. It continued for the next 26 years and I would have secret stores of "emergency" food or left over wrappers in various place. I suppose I ate to try to escape from the world I found myself in.
Over the years I have tried countless diets and miracles but ended up doing nothing but gaining weight and losing more self confidence each time.
The pain:
Without being too dramatic, I knew that I was eating myself to death but I just couldn't stop overeating every day. Living life to the fullest was not a dream for me - it was a nightmare. I wasn't able to do anything.
Everything hurt - moving, sitting, lying down and even thinking about doing something physical. Deep down I always knew I had a weight problem but never quite knew what to do about it or where to go - so I mostly tried to ignore it. Of course I was always being teased and picked on about it, but that just made me want to run away and eat - to hide from it and everyone.
The food:
I used to "graze" at food and would eat almost non stop for most of the day if I was on my own. I almost never ate out in public and would eat little in front of my fiends or family. Again I think this is the secretive part of my disorder and the shame and disgust I felt for myself and for doing it. I would also binge eat and looked forward to and planned what I was going to get, when I could go and get it and how great it would be. In reality eating the food was not enjoyabable at all - I did not even really taste it, it was just a case of shovelling it in as fast as I could.
As far back as I can remember, I was fat... very fat.
Being fat was just a way of life for me, something I honesty never expected would change. From my first memory on I was abused physically and mentally by my father -I still suffer from the effects of the mental abuse. I believe that whether or not I was predestined to become an overeater the effects of the abuse enabled me becoming a secret eater.
My first stash of sweets was found in my dolls pram before I was 4. It continued for the next 26 years and I would have secret stores of "emergency" food or left over wrappers in various place. I suppose I ate to try to escape from the world I found myself in.
Over the years I have tried countless diets and miracles but ended up doing nothing but gaining weight and losing more self confidence each time.
The pain:
Without being too dramatic, I knew that I was eating myself to death but I just couldn't stop overeating every day. Living life to the fullest was not a dream for me - it was a nightmare. I wasn't able to do anything.
Everything hurt - moving, sitting, lying down and even thinking about doing something physical. Deep down I always knew I had a weight problem but never quite knew what to do about it or where to go - so I mostly tried to ignore it. Of course I was always being teased and picked on about it, but that just made me want to run away and eat - to hide from it and everyone.
The food:
I used to "graze" at food and would eat almost non stop for most of the day if I was on my own. I almost never ate out in public and would eat little in front of my fiends or family. Again I think this is the secretive part of my disorder and the shame and disgust I felt for myself and for doing it. I would also binge eat and looked forward to and planned what I was going to get, when I could go and get it and how great it would be. In reality eating the food was not enjoyabable at all - I did not even really taste it, it was just a case of shovelling it in as fast as I could.
A
typical binge would usually be on a Monday - as I would not have been
able to overeat on the weekend as my husband was home. I would
buy a block of chocolate, a large bag of crisps, a packet of biscuits, a
6 pack of cheese/bacon rolls, a double mars bar and something savoury
like a sausage roll. I would go out first thing in the morning
and would have finished it all before 2pm that day. Then I
would have to hid all of the wrappers and clean up all evidence
before my husband came home.
My moment of change:
I accidentally read somewhere on the internet that I am going to be the biggest influence on my son's opinion of woman - how to treat them, how they treat themselves etc. It hit me smack in the face - he would think woman are secretive people who spent their time lying to the people closest to them and themselves. I could not do that to him - I knew that I had to do something. I got some Reductil from my doctor and went six days eating less and feeling okay but still thinking of food 24/7. After having a small disagreement with my husband I went out and binged all day. I realised then I had a problem because it did not matter that my brain was telling me I did not need to eat - I had to eat.
Solutions?:
After searching through the internet for a quick fix (of any kind) I decided to call Overeaters Anonymous. In all honesty it was to prove to myself that I was not like "them" and didn't have a disorder or anything more serious than weakness and no willpower. It took a lot to even call the number and then more to walk into the meeting. That night I heard people speak of secret eating, self hate and how they had changed it. I sat looking like a goldfish as it dawned on me that I was not alone and I was not the only one. It was called a disorder. I am a compulsive overeater. I went home and cried and cried. I had found out the answer which I did not believe existed and felt a small sense of relief that there was actually something wrong with me. I went to three meetings a week for about a month then stopped going - OA is helping many people but it was not for me. I joined a gym (not the first time in my life) and vowed to take control. I went for a few months, putting in minimal effort but still overate and binge ate - I weighed 188 kg.
My turning point :
I met Cher who told me about her website SomeBody Weigh Better. I checked it out and decided to give it a go . After all, it was just another diet - what did I have to lose ?.....
Please read on to find out how I changed my life in every way ...
My moment of change:
I accidentally read somewhere on the internet that I am going to be the biggest influence on my son's opinion of woman - how to treat them, how they treat themselves etc. It hit me smack in the face - he would think woman are secretive people who spent their time lying to the people closest to them and themselves. I could not do that to him - I knew that I had to do something. I got some Reductil from my doctor and went six days eating less and feeling okay but still thinking of food 24/7. After having a small disagreement with my husband I went out and binged all day. I realised then I had a problem because it did not matter that my brain was telling me I did not need to eat - I had to eat.
Solutions?:
After searching through the internet for a quick fix (of any kind) I decided to call Overeaters Anonymous. In all honesty it was to prove to myself that I was not like "them" and didn't have a disorder or anything more serious than weakness and no willpower. It took a lot to even call the number and then more to walk into the meeting. That night I heard people speak of secret eating, self hate and how they had changed it. I sat looking like a goldfish as it dawned on me that I was not alone and I was not the only one. It was called a disorder. I am a compulsive overeater. I went home and cried and cried. I had found out the answer which I did not believe existed and felt a small sense of relief that there was actually something wrong with me. I went to three meetings a week for about a month then stopped going - OA is helping many people but it was not for me. I joined a gym (not the first time in my life) and vowed to take control. I went for a few months, putting in minimal effort but still overate and binge ate - I weighed 188 kg.
My turning point :
I met Cher who told me about her website SomeBody Weigh Better. I checked it out and decided to give it a go . After all, it was just another diet - what did I have to lose ?.....
Please read on to find out how I changed my life in every way ...
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